Pink Poogle Toy Forum

You can consider this a "short" story, but its actually part of a book, I want to publish, even if I am a young author

Its 253 words, so its less then a thousand, so I hope I may post it here


Story!

EDIT-Thats right, a edit, half a minute later! I decided it to be easier to make an image out of it



I'd like some ideas to improve it, constructive criticism etc.

Hmm, some grammar errors, and the first two sentences don't quite make sense. I'm afraid I can't quite understand the real meaning. I can kind of guess^^* But it's not super clear >.<

"Its too dark to ..." should be "It's too dark..." cus it is = it's

Flames calmly erupted in the snow, melting its way into... should be Flames calmly erupted in the snow, melting their way... because flames is plural^^*

As he climbed into the darkness. Is he climbing INTO the darkness, or IN the darkness? o.O;

There had happened to be a scuffle. It just sounds kinda off. Maybe, There appeared to have been a scuffle.

Lyan was too late, as the wrong hands had already found the jewel. Maybe make it into two sentences, it might be more effective, and the 'as' doesn't seem to be the right word. Maybe a semi-colon, or a colon?

I hope my corrections are correct^^* hehe. I hope they help too >.<

But I really liked it^__^ I definitely got the message and the view, it was very good! and a great idea too^^* Props to you!

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Thanks. Its quite a later chapter in the book I want to write. I have the last chapter, and the first chapter, and some random tidbits o.O

Ooh, I'd love to read more^_^

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Well, if it actually gets published and Im rich and famous ill send a free copy